Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I've got friends in low places

So this one tops them all. I have written in the past about bizarre things that people say or ask you when you're pregnant, but this one is inconceivable. The story I am about to tell you is real...the names haven't been changed to protect anyone because I don't know the names of the people involved. But I must remind you that this story is true and this is a real live adult that we are talking about that said these things.

Scene: Quik Trip bathroom
Background information: This was a particularly hot summer Saturday around 3:00 and I am very hot, cranky and I haven't eaten lunch yet. Add to that the stress that I am just returning from one of those consignment things that occur at a huge expo arena that resembles the mayhem of the day after Thanksgiving except all there is to buy is pre-owned baby clothes. I do not thrive in such an environment. So not only did I endure it, but I am walking out empty handed because I am so overwelmed that I can't seem to compute times of the year and what size my son will be. Add to that the fact that I am even further annoyed because I can't seem to make it all the way home with out having to go the bathroom, so only 5 miles from my house, I had to pull over and attempt to quickly use the restroom only to be confronted with someone that I anticipate I will soon see on America's most wanted. So there you go- the stage has been set-

Girl in bathroom: wow- you look miserable.
Me: (in the nicest voice that I can muster)I guess I'm just hot.
Girl: So you're pregnant right. (Did I mention she must have been a genius)
Me: Yes I am.
Girl: so how much weight have you gained.
Me: I don't know (I really do know, but I don't find it to be Quik trip girl's business and don't find that it's really anyone's business)
Girl: Probably 20. right?
Me: Maybe.
Girl: (and this she says with complete glee and accomplishment) I gained 50!!
Me: Huh (I mean, what really is the response to that?)
And here is the clincher-
Girl: So have you pee'd yourself yet?
Me: No, I have not.
Girl: Oh wow. Well, I pee'd myself all the time.

Why? Truly why? I just really don't understand why! And what is more amusing is that she said it with that same sense of accomplishment that she told me about the 50 lbs. I am sincerely at a loss. The only moral to this story that I can even imagine coming up with is never try to make friends in the Quik Trip bathroom.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?

I am slightly obsessed with the movie Inglorious B’s. (Disclaimer: I realize that this is not the actual title of the movie and if you’re confused, you can just google the word inglorious and the correct following word will autopopulate. I’m not sure why I choose not to report the entire word, even for the practical purpose of naming the title of a movie; however since it’s my blog, I’ll make the rules and for some reason I have chosen not to use a word that rhymes with rasterds spelled out in full view for everyone. Now I realize that the very mention of the word has made some of you think of the actual bad word to which I am referring, which may or may not mean that I have caused you to stumble, therefore for the rest of this post, I will refer to the movie as Inglorious B’s and you can fill in the favorite B-word of your choice- I relinquish all creative rights to you the reader. I also realize that this has nothing to do with babies or pregnancy, but in keeping with the original flavor of the blog and since I am the CEO and President, it is about my opinion and I reserve the right to change the topic on a whim.)

So as I was saying before, my new favorite movie and a slight new obsession of mine is the movie Inglorious B’s. I can’t pick my favorite thing about it. The story line is wonderful, the artistry is brilliant, and the actors (with the exception of BJ Novak who I have decided must be Quentin Tarantino’s nephew or something) are perfect for their roles. The part that takes the cake however (or takes the strudel if you’ve seen the movie) is Christoph Waltz who plays the part of the Jew Hunter. He gives, without a doubt, the best performance of anyone in a motion picture since Citizen Cain. I didn’t even know who he was until this movie, but now I’m a fan! He speaks four languages in the film flawlessly (okay, maybe I can’t say flawlessly since I am not Italian, French or German, but it sounds flawless to my ear, so I will give him that credit). His character is cunning, manipulative and calculated, but you almost find yourself liking him- which I believe is a fete for an actor to accomplish. Bravo to Mr. Waltz.

Which leads me to today’s SOAPBOX! I am positively intrigued at how un-talented people can be these days and yet still be famous. It really bugs me. As long as you are remotely attractive (or even remotely unattractrive, case in point Scarlett Johannsen) you can be famous and considered the best of the best in your craft. I know there have to be extremely talented people out there, but for some reason America is very satisfied with setting the bar so low that someone like Eva Longoria is a multi millionaire and considered a great actress. Bleh.

I must thank my mother for many things in life, but one of the one of funnest gifts that she gave me was not allowing me to watch any current movie until I was about 18 years old. Instead, we were raised with movies like “Singing in the Rain” and “Thoroughly Modern Millie”, “Holiday Inn” and “Father Goose”. That’s right- if you were unfortunate enough to have been invited to my 8th birthday party, you would have been subjected to watch “Arsenic and Old Lace” which is black and white, starring Cary Grant and hardly a slumber party movie. Granted all of these movies come with the melodramatic flair of the time and no, they don’t have the special effects or budget of the movies that we have today. But they were witty, they were well made and you actually had to have a sense of talent and artistry to be an actor back then…and comedy actually had to clever, not just a potty joke, that to me is an easy laugh.

And don’t even get me started on music. That’s a whole other soapbox.

So again, bravo to Mr. Waltz and to the brilliant movie that is Inglorious B’s. I hope to see more like you to come, but I fear that with today’s zest for mediocrity and obsession with reality TV, sex appeal, and effects rather than artistry, cleverness and talent you will be few and far between. So as Mrs. Meers would have said to Millie- “Oh pook.”

Saturday, August 7, 2010

More Quotes

So I have to add a few more odd pregnancy questions/statements that I have received that I am in awe of. I find it strange that all of these quotes are from men. It's not just the ladies that make crazy pregnancy remarks. My inner monologue is written in italics. Social etiquette people!!!

Male business associate of mine that I have only met a few times: So was this a planned pregnancy?
Me: No response. I have nothing. Nothing.
Are you kidding me? What is the proper answer to that question? If I say no, the inevitable next question is "so what is your form of birth control?" And if say yes, this just feels icky.

Man I'm giving my business card to: So if I call you, who is going to answer the phone?
Me: Oh, that's my direct line.
Man: No, I mean will you answer or your baby?

And one more quote just to emphasize how fun it is when people make fun of how big I am EVERY DAY:
Man at work: Girl, are you about to pop?
Me: Oh, not for a couple more months.
Man: What? You serious?
Me: Yep.
Man: Well you go girl. You drop a 10 lb. baby!
And here we have an actual cheerleader. We've gone from just poking fun of the big pregnant lady to actual words of motivation. This is a guy I want to see as I am being wheeled up to floor 8 for labor and delivery. Motivation and class.

A non natural woman's adventures in natural child birth

I don’t like granola. I never have. I have tried it in various stages of my life- convinced that this trendy, earthy snack should be part of my life. But I just don’t like it and really I can’t make myself eat it. On my grocery list every week I write “granola bars”- but that’s not what I get. Nope- I get nutrigrain bars- but that doesn’t seem nearly as healthy or trendy to even have on my grocery list. So I lie- even if only to myself.

This is only a mere example of one of the many ways that I am probably one of the least natural people that you will ever meet. From about 45 minutes after I wake up to about 15 minutes before I go to bed, my face is covered with an unnatural cosmetic that enhances my features to be something that they are not on their own. I eat processed food. I don’t hike. I don’t really even like to sweat that much. The wind on my back and the sun on my face is not a feeling that I prefer nearly as much to the air conditioning on my feet. I eat oreos and watch the Bachelor. I don’t recycle.

Needless to say, I am not a “natural person”and no one who has spent more than 10 minutes talking to me- and observing the gobs of mascara that I applied earlier that morning- would ever say that I am. So why, one might ask- would I choose to "go naturale" for one of the most challenging things I will ever do- give birth to a baby?

I have lots of reasons that I want to do this- and if you REALLY care that much, most of my reasons could be summed up in the movie "The Business of Being Born". However as stated before- people are TOO OPINIONATED when it comes to pregnancy, so I will not dare try and tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do. But for some reason this unnatural woman is drawn to this natural experience of bringing a child into the world.

I realize the odds are stacked against me- the biggest odd of all being myself. But my uber supportive husband and I are pursuing this goal and drinking the kool-aid of our natural child birth class- which is an adventure all in it's own. At the end of the day on my son's birth day, I just want to hold my little boy and know that he is healthy and here...but I would also like to fall asleep that night- or maybe not fall asleep- knowing that my husband and I were able to achieve this goal together.

Call me crazy and place your bests that I can't do it (some days I'd bet against myself as well..and we could use the winnings) but just don't say it to my face or I'll blog about you. So this unnatural woman will go back to the paradox of drinking her caffeinated pop (do not judge me) and reading her natural child birth "how to" book. But cue the "Chariots of Fire" music because my goal is to give you a run for your money.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

My first soapbox

Pregnancy is a beautiful phenomenon. I realize that most people are aware of that, but as I go through each stage I am completely in awe of how God's greatness is shown through this process. No matter how much I know that it's truly a miracle, I am still amazed at each little kick that I feel inside, each time I hear my baby's heart beat- even the annoying things amaze me because I realize that there is a little miracle going on inside. I have said over and over, I don't see how you can go through this experience and not know that there is a God who knows us so intricately and has woven us together with such purpose. I am in awe.

So here's today's soapbox: I am also in awe of another phenomenon that occurs during pregnancy- albeit a completely different and much less inspiring form of awe. Why is it that as soon as conception occurs, people think it's okay to start giving their opinion and saying things that under non-pregnant circumstances a person with any shred of decency or social awareness would NEVER say? There is obviously a difference between friends saying certain things and strangers (or relatives that you see twice a year). A friend has a certain level of trust that is appropriate...but then the lady that you just met in the soup aisle at Target...why does she get a say?! Everything from the amount of weight you have gained to your financial decisions post-pregnancy to your anesthetic choices to the name of your baby is up for discussion by everyone! Here is a list of questions/statements that I have encountered during pregnancy and how I would like to respond..but I don't:

Stranger: Wow- you're huge! Are you having twins?!
Real Response: Nope just one- he's a big guy. Tee hee.
Desired Response: Wow- you're huge too! Might want to lay off those cheeseburgers. At least I have an excuse.

Bald Stranger: So when are you due?
Me: October.
Bald Stranger: (with shocked look on his face and eyes rolling) Wow. Okay.
Desired Response-
Me: So when did your hair start falling out?
Bald Stranger: It doesn't fall out, I voluntarily shave my head.
Me: Wow. Okay.

Distant family member that I hardly ever talk to: So what are you going to name your baby?
Me: We're not sure yet...but I think we're going to keep it a surprise until the baby is here.
Distant Family Member: Well, just as long as you don't name him something and then call him by his middle name, you'll be fine. I hate when parents do that.
Me: (Awkward smile)
Desired Response by me: You know what I hate when parents do? Name their kid (insert name of distant family member that I hardly ever talk to).

Walmart Cashier: So when is your baby due?
Me: October.
WalMart cashier: I'm glad you said that, I wasn't really sure if you were pregnant or not.
Me: (awkward smile)
Desired response by me: Then why would ask me?

Stranger: So are you getting an epidural?
Me: I'm not sure. I'm doing a lot of research on all of my options.
Stranger: (with big eyes and a face that indicates the person thinks I'm a freak) Oh girl, that's what you think now, but it's TERRIBLE. You're going to want your epidural. You should sign up for it now.
My soapbox: So if you were only going to shoot down my response, then why did you ask me? Asking the question implies that the person has choices, but by your response you're indicating that I shouldn't have a choice. And to further my point from above- is it okay to ask a non-pregnant stranger about their invasive medical procedures? Would it be okay for me to ask, "so when is your next colonoscopy" or "so do you prefer to use tampons or pads" ? Probably not.

Not that I want to sound too jaded because there are highlights to being pregnant as well. People give you that sweet smile that says "I know what you're going through- isn't it amazing?!" Some people offer you their chairs when you have to stand for 30 minutes at your gate at the airport. It really is a beautiful time and there are far more terribly kind people than there are terrible rude people. And hey, I learn that once you go through a full pregnancy, your level of modesty goes down substantially, so maybe by the time I'm through I'll be the person that stops pregnant ladies in the grocery store and wants to talk about previously socially inappropriate topics...