I am sitting here on this wintry afternoon staring out my window at an evergrowing blanket of snow. With more snow then this mid-western girl has ever seen in my own backyard, Day #4 of our "snow in" is looking like it won't be the last. There's no mistake about it- this is the dead middle of winter. While winter can be beautiful, whimsical and is actually necessary for other seasons to have their full effect, winter is also cold, lonely and can be filled with the despair that you will never dig out.
On the eve of mine and my husband's 6 year wedding anniversary, winter isn't just the state of affairs outside my window, but in my heart as well. Earlier this week, we just found out that a dream that we have been pursuing for 3 years will not come to fruition. A dream that we invested time and money in, but more than that, we invested hope for our future. There was no selfish ambition in this dream, no ill-intent or unrealistic expectation of things to come. I can't tell you why God, in His great wisdom chose not to allow our dream to come to pass any more than I can tell you why the snow won't stop falling. I can't tell you why God would say "no" when we felt so strongly that it would be a "yes". What I do know is that God said if He is for us, then who can be against us. He also said that His plan is to prosper us and to give us an expected end. I learned a long time ago that "prosper" doesn't always mean "give us what we want" or even "what we think we need."
The promises I clung to throughout the past year- before my little baby was even a twinkle in my eye, before we knew what the year would hold- were promises of God's faithfulness. A long time ago, God took Abraham away from his home, away from what he knew and loved to send him to a land that he had never seen and gave him the ridiculous promise that he would be given a son. God promised something that was beyond conventional thinking, beyond logic and beyond what man could ever plan- but in that promise, Abraham and Sarah "considered Him faithful." From their obedience grew a blessing that has affected generations and eventually became the Hope of all mankind. Throughout 2010 God reminded me to "hold fast to the confession of His hope without wavering for He who promised is faithful." (Hebrews 10:23) I have to admit that with this week's blow, I am wavering a little.
As I've stated before, I'm a control freak. I like a plan and I like to stick to it. Right now I have no plan, I don't know what the next step is...and to be honest I feel too tired to make a plan. Instead of making a plan for what I don't know, I will rest in what I do know- that winter is just a season and that God is faithful.
For today, as the as the bite of the cold wind chills and the snow is coming down, I know I can't change the fact that the snow is falling. I can't wish the cold away. I can't chase away the tug at my heart that says I may never dig out. But I can choose not to waver in the wind. I can know that the One who made winter, also made the spring and that one of these days, spring has to come. It has to, right? It's a lot easier to type that than to live with the reality of it. I can be still and know that He is God...and that the God who made heaven and earth, winter and snow also made me and has a plan.